


🔍 What to Do When Your Soulmate Is an Asshole

by notwest



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Humanstuck, IDENTITY SHENANIGANS, Lightly futuristic setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-05-28 07:44:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19389613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notwest/pseuds/notwest
Summary: What if a fancy supercomputer could match you to your Ultimate Soulmate...And what if that soulmate could see your every internet search in real time?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was just a shitpost idea and now it's a fic. your dreams can come true if you believe and and also just write them when no one asked you to

Karkat drummed his fingers against the counter, bored. The store was empty as usual; fluorescent lights buzzed above his head, the slush drink machine hummed as it mixed its semi-frozen, revolting, overly sweet imitation fruit juice, the smell of shitty coffee permeated the air. Ah, the perks of working the night shift at a twenty-four hour convenience store. Also known as the perks of having a fucking degree in theatre.

A new search alert popped up in his periphery. 

obama early life 

He rolled his eyes and dismissed the notification. He didn't have time to dwell on it though, because the bell over the door jingled then, and a guy came in wearing the red hoodie and black-tinted aviators that identified him as one of Karkat's regular customers. 

He strolled through the aisles, picking up a random item here or there, and Karkat already knew from experience that all of it would be trash. Pringles, Pop-Tarts, Mountain Dew, Skittles, Doritos, instant ramen, any and every artificially flavored, cancer inducing snack, this guy would buy it. 

The only bright side was that he seemed just as uninterested in talking at three in the morning as Karkat was at any given time. Most nights, like tonight, he was wearing a pair of obnoxiously large headphones, head bobbing to music Karkat couldn’t hear. Tonight when he finally made his way toward the counter, he deposited two bags of pizza Combos, a package of Sour Patch Watermelon and a bottle of purple Gatorade. Literally the worst flavors of everything. 

He nodded his head in greeting and slipped the headphones from his ears. “Sup.”

The hood was down today, blonde locks swept carefully to either side of a clean, off centered part. Still not wanting to talk as usual, Karkat simply grunted before ringing and bagging up his shit. A nod and Red hoodie's already transferred the total into the store’s account. When the little bell over the door rang again to signal his departure, Karkat didn't look up or wave goodbye. 

A few minutes later, he got another search notification. 

obama rap career

Jesus Christ. Karkat's soulmate, whoever the fuck it was, was possibly the worst individual on the face of the planet. The fact that their searches were exclusively inane bullshit was infuriating enough, and on top of that they wouldn’t even bother interacting with Karkat any time he as much as typed HELLO, choosing only to make snarky comments about Karkat's perfectly reasonable searches whenever it suited them. 

It was five now, which meant he only had an hour left until his shift replacement came in. An hour to think about his shitty luck—how out of all people, he had to be the one to get a soulmate who clearly wanted nothing to do with him. It should have been easy. Sollux had managed to meet up with his soulmate like three days after he’d started getting the notifications. 

Karkat wasn’t jealous. He wasn't! It's just been two weeks of complete bullshit and no progress with this dickhole. Karkat was also pretty sure it was a guy, obviously not positive because fine, there might be some girl out there who's obsessed with Tony Hawk, gangster rap, and presidents who died a century ago. Not that it mattered to his pan ass, which the system obviously took into account. 

The system being the automatic soulmate matching software that was hard coded into everyone's Skaianet chips. It activated once you turned eighteen, starting the process that would connect you to your "soulmate", or the person the system calculated you'll be the most compatible with based on all the information it had been gathering on you since your literal birth. What shows you watched, what books you read, every text and email you've ever sent, and of course, every dark little secret and curiosity you've ever typed into your search bar. 

Why were internet searches the method by which soulmates could connect? No one had an answer. There were lots of rumors floating around—a popular one was that the entire thing had been one huge glitch and they actually didn't know how to change it  _ to _ anything else. Personally, Karkat would think it was an elaborate case of trolling on an impossibly worldwide scale if not for all the raving testimonials from both friends and strangers alike, or the lines of happily matched couples he walked past everyday bouncing on their heels waiting to get married outside the courthouse.

Plus on a deeper level he just… wanted to believe. In a vague sense, Karkat has always loved the idea of soulmates, even though at first the idea sounded a bit too close to arranged marriage to soothe his hopelessly romantic soul. It wasn't too long until the idea of someone who was systematically sanctioned perfect for him, like, one touch and they'd fall in love type of bullshit, started sounding really fucking appealing. 

rhymes with obama

Especially when he had to deal with this bullshit all day.

* * *

BEST ROMANCE NOVELS 2119   
wow are you serious   
WHAT THE FUCK. YES.   
ahahaha oh dude   
WHAT?? 

Then, two minutes later: 

help ive had an erection for more than four hours

Their searches varied wildly, from complete bullshit to things that actually sounded really serious. But even then Karkat couldn't tell if it was just their twisted idea of a joke. Something in his gut told him they weren't though. 

how to give yourself stitches  
ARE YOU OKAY????

No response. Karkat dragged his fingers down his face. It was always after searches like that his soulmate would disappear for days at a time. Worrying, but there was nothing else he could really do about it. To his eternal frustration, all of Karkat's serious questions went completely unanswered. God, why was he even getting stressed about this?

After that, Karkat went an entire month without hearing a word from his soulmate. Nights at work passed in a blur, until the one he met Dave. 

Halfway through his shift Karkat was leaning against the counter with his eyes slightly glazed over, because instead of working he was watching Legally Blonde pulled up a PIP screen in the upper left side of his field of view.

At around four in the morning his red hooded usual customer walked in and Karkat blinked hard once, which paused the movie so he could actually attempt to monitor the store or whatever. He immediately noticed there was something wrong with this guy's gait. It was slow and clunky where it was normally more smooth and composed. Karkat would almost think he looked injured. 

He shuffled through a couple of aisles and then there was a crash over by the freezer section, and Karkat saw a case of Twinkies go shooting across the floor. He sighed, oh so deeply, before slowly getting up and coming around the counter. 

The guy was crouched on the floor amongst the sea of spilled snack cakes. His distress was apparent, even behind the shades. He reached over for a cake and winced, grabbing at his abdomen.  _ So he is hurt, _ Karkat thought. 

"Get up, idiot." Karkat said, getting down on his own knees to clean up. Can they even sell these now? They  _ were _ wrapped. Oh well, he'd just report it to his manager and let them make the decision. 

"I'm sorry dude," Red hoodie was saying as he stood up and dusted off his knees, "I was just walking there and almost tripped so I grabbed, like, the edge of this shelf right and the whole thing came whipping at my face, it was wild. Good thing I have fucking killer reflexes or I coulda been beheaded."

"Uh-huh."  _ Shit.  _ Karkat frantically tried to remember if the floor had been wet or something. He would be literally be beheaded if this guy took out a complaint against the store while he was on shift. "I'm sorry about that," he grunted anyway. 

"It's cool dude, it's not your fault. I'm not exactly on my best game today. Coach got my buns keeping the bench nice and warm for the actual scoring players."

What the fuck was he talking about. "Uh-huh," Karkat said again, picking up the last of the cakes and standing to deposit them messily back on the shelf because who cared. 

Red hoodie followed him up to the counter, balancing a bag of party size Doritos and three cans of Red Bull in his arms.

Karkat sighed. "Why do you buy this shit?" 

The guy shrugged, eyebrows tilting down behind his glasses. "It's hella good. And cheap."

"You know what else is 'hella' good and cheap? I don’t know, maybe apples?"

"Fucking of course, you're right." The guy grinned and slapped the counter. "I should get some apple juice."

Karkat groaned loudly, but finished bagging up his high fructose corn shit.

A quick nod from the stranger and the balance was fully paid, plus a generous tip, holy shit. Karkat gaped at the guy, but he just stuck out his hand. "I'm Dave by the way."

Karkat took his hand reluctantly. It was a lot softer than he expected. "Karkat."

"See you around, Karkat."

* * *

Red hoodie, or Dave, started coming around store a lot more often after the encounter by the freezer section, and as much as Karkat wanted to take some kind of issue with it, he couldn't. There was something oddly charming about his tiny smiles, and the way he couldn't seem to stand on his own two feet for more than a few seconds without falling flat on his bony ass. 

Almost nightly he'd been coming into the empty store to steadily work his way toward type two diabetes while hovering around the counter and talking to Karkat. It was nice, and Karkat found himself looking forward more and more to those late-early hours of the day when he would show up. 

Slowly Karkat learned more and more about Dave. That he lived with his older brother, that he studied music theory at the local community college, that he was indiscriminately obsessed with rap, and most recently, that he was a terrible cook. 

"Cooking is  _ not _ that fucking hard," Karkat said through a mouthful of Twizzler, while brandishing another in Dave's face.

“Yeah, that’s what people who  _ can _ cook say.” Dave was leaning casually against the counter as they talked, steadily making his way through a share size bag of peanut M&M's. "Maybe have a little more respect for the plight of the common man Karkat, especially when he is completely out of his depth in the face of eight time adapted recipes for Nana's famous potato salad."

"No, That's what anyone with the ability to read full sentences and follow basic fucking instructions would say." 

Dave scoffed and emptied the rest of the candy into his mouth. 

"Of course you're a bad cook," said Karkat, "You spend all day eating this trash; your shitty, abused taste buds have never known any better!"

"Okay Vantas," Dave challenged, crumpling up his wrapper and leaning both elbows on the counter to cup his shiteating grin between both hands. Even the extra foot of closeness between them made Karkat's heart flutter. "Take me out for some 'good' food, then. Please school my deprived ass in the meaning of finer culinary appreciation."

Karkat's face was suddenly hot. "Fuck you, I will. I could take you to a place with food so good you'll shit a goddamn Michelin star."

Dave laughed. "Michelin? Like the marshmallow dude that sells tires?"

"No. Well, kind of." Karkat rolled his eyes, taking a ferocious bite of his last Twizzler. "Michelin stars are awarded to really good restaurants. Like high end dining. They're expensive as shit, but there are some affordable ones if you search for them."

Dave pushed off the counter and stood to his proper height, giving Karkat an amused look. 

"What?" Karkat asked, his face heating further under the attention. There was something else too. The more he thought about it, the more he was starting to realize that what they were talking about here was a  _ date. _

"Nothing," Dave said, even though he was fully grinning now. "I'm just ready to get my fine ass dine on." He glanced toward the store window, where the sun was just beginning to rise. "Shit, I gotta go. But here." He looked off into the distance, typing something into midair before making a swiping motion in Karkat's direction just as Karkat got a notification that an unknown sender had sent him two attachments. 

Dave was already halfway to the door when Karkat nodded to accept them. The first one was a contact card for Dave Strider, which Karkat added to his address book immediately, and the second one was a text file that just said 'call me beep me'.

Karkat allowed himself thirty seconds of wide and stupid grinning before getting up to prep for the person who would be coming in soon for the morning shift. He couldn't stop thinking about it though. Where would they even go? He pulled up a search window while he cleaned up the coffee station and started a fresh batch.

RESTAURANTS NEAR ME   
oh ho ho looks like someone has a hot date   
SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU PRESUMPTUOUS TOOL.   
cant a guy be jealous his soulmates going out on the town tonight to get some   
GET SOME WHAT?   
oh come on you know what   
NO. I DON'T.   
some ass   
DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME.   
...HOLY SHIT, THAT ACTUALLY WORKED?   
not exactly i just got distracted by the ass search results for an hour   
YOU'RE REPULSIVE.   
you love it   
OH, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT I REALLY DON'T.   
you will   
NO, I WON'T.   
hey you should go to a restaurant that has a michelin star   
THAT'S… OKAY THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.   
yeah you gotta woo this persons pants right off like literally   
OKAY STOP TALKING NOW. 

Blissfully, it was then that his shift replacement walked in the door. Hell yes. Karkat rushed through closing his till in front of them and was on his way home with two minutes to spare. 

He had a fucking date to plan.


	2. Chapter 2

remember you cant be too eager you gotta play it cool and hard to get  
YEAH. I'LL MAKE SURE TO NOT KEEP THAT IN MIND.  
so where you going  
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU GET TO ASK ME PERSONAL QUESTIONS AFTER BEING AN EVASIVE DOUCHEFACE FOR APPROXIMATELY THE ENTIRE TIME I'VE KNOWN YOU?  
easy ive never had competition before  
YOU DON'T HAVE COMPETITION! YOU'RE NOT *IN* THE GAME. YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THE FUCKING STANDS. YOU'VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF THE STADIUM ON THE GROUNDS OF BEING A COMPLETE, FLUTTERING ASSBAG.  
ahaha okay definitely show this guy your shining sense of humor  
HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS A GUY?  
i didnt but i fuckin do now

Karkat threw his hands in the air and the search window dissolved from view. His nerves were singing a sweet tune of _for the love of christ please don't fuck this up._ He undid the top button of his shirt, suddenly feeling way too warm, as he tried to erase his idiotic soulmate's advice from his short term memory. 

Dave was waiting for him. He was leaning against the front of the restaurant, looking a lot more put together than Karkat had ever seen him. Though that wasn't exactly a hard feat to accomplish, since literally all of their previous interactions had taken place between the hours of three and five in the goddamn morning. Dark shades but no hoodie this time, a maroon vest over a sleek, white button down, and black skinny jeans with red and white high tops. He looked good, in a douchey sort of way. 

Karkat had chosen a place called République, a restaurant that was just high end enough to be out of his normal budget—not exorbitantly priced but not inexpensive enough that Dave wouldn't get the true culinary experience he'd been asking for. As Karkat walked up, he noticed that the valet was giving him a dirty look, which Karkat responded to by scowling openly. Fuck off, he and Dave had every right to be there as any one of these rich goddamn schmucks. 

"Hey idiot."

Dave jumped when he heard Karkat, his hands immediately reaching up to smooth down his already perfect hair. 

"Oh, hey."

Dave smiled his tiny smile and Karkat's heart skipped a beat. Look, there was no point in denying that Karkat had a crush on him. Having a near infinite amount of hopeless and all consuming infatuations was just another inevitable side effect of being himself. 

"Please tell me you're going to take those idiotic sunglasses off before we go inside."

Dave just looked at Karkat, for a few seconds more than was entirely comfortable. "Nah."

"Listen dickweed, eating here is gonna cost me an entire paycheck. Now take those off before I smack them off your face."

Dave smirked, shaking his head. "Did you know that you do the most amazing pout when you get upset?"

Karkat fumed, sweeping past Dave and through the front door to check on his reservation. 

"I have to take a shit," Dave announced two minutes after they'd taken their seats. The waiter hadn't even been by with the menus yet. Karkat ground his teeth together, but didn't say anything. 

This was starting to look more and more like a mistake.

Almost as soon as Dave disappeared toward the bathroom Karkat's search alert went off. He rolled his eyes before even checking the message, it was practically a reflex at this point. 

judging from the fact that you looked up the weather earlier i assume your hot date is tonight  
OR I'M JUST PLANNING TO LEAVE MY HOUSE FOR THE THOUSAND OTHER REASONS THAT EXIST FOR ME TO STEP OUTSIDE.  
no one looks up the weather for casual use and you know it  
WOW. WILL YOU EVER LEAVE ME ALONE.  
so hows it going  
FUCKING SWIMMINGLY. OH WAIT, I ALMOST FORGOT THAT MY LIFE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! STOP BOTHERING ME.  
okay but make me a deal here you gotta let me know what base you get up to  
NO DEAL. NOW CLOSE YOUR BRIEFCASE AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.  
my what 

Dave came back from the bathroom looking off into the distance with a small smile on his face. Now irritated, Karkat just folded his arms. 

"Damn," Dave said, his eyes clearing, "Who pissed in your napkin?"

"It's nothing," Karkat grunted. And he really wasn't going to go into it. 

Until he was. 

"It's my idiot soulmate," he burst out, his chest already puffing up in preparation for a lengthy rant. Dave put his hand up, face twisted into a grimace.

"Sorry dude, but can we not?"

"Excuse me?"

"Just once, can we just—" Dave sighed. "I feel like all I ever hear about is soulmates this and soulmate that. I'm really not trying to sound like Nicholas Sparks here but what happened to just hanging out with real people and getting to know them? Why do gotta be obsessed with having this one person like they're suddenly gonna be the change we need to see in our lives? I mean, I think it's bullshit."

Karkat just stared at him, mouth agape. Holy shit. He's never heard anyone speak so openly against the system before. Then again he did have a pretty small bubble. 

The server came by then, saving Karkat from responding and handing them each a menu. They definitely gave Dave a second glance, but didn't say anything about his sunglasses. 

"Would you take those off,"' Karkat hissed when they were out of sight. "Everyone is staring at you!"

"Don't give a shit," Dave said, focused on swiping through the entrees. His eyebrows raised a little higher at each one. "I have no idea what any of this is. Can I get a steak?" 

Karkat rolled his eyes, pointing at the menu. "Yes, moron. I know you're not used to going to places without pictures on the menu, but it's right here. It even comes with fries." 

Dave grinned, and Karkat's stomach fluttered. God, he was cute. "Oh, fuck yeah. I'll take that." 

Karkat ordered for both of them, tapping the selections on their menus. He also picked a wine he thought would work well with their food. He wasn't that knowledgeable or even that crazy about wines, but fuck, they were already here so he might as well go all out. He pointedly avoided looking at the prices for anything, swiping to complete their order. 

The waiter came by after a minute to collect the menus, nodding to each of them as he repeated their orders. "I see you'll be having the ribeye, sir, and the duck tangine for you?" Karkat nodded. "And the Domaine de Bellevue Cabernet Franc, very good." 

After the waiter left, Dave leaned in toward Karkat. "I don't see what's so great about this place," he complained loudly.

"Well you might want to withhold your judgements considering we haven't even gotten our food yet," Karkat stage whispered back.

Dave pouted like a child and leaned back in his chair. "Fine. But this steak better get on its knees in front of my mind, open wide and blow the shit out of it."

Karkat rolled his eyes.

It turned out that Dave even more inexperienced with wines as Karkat was. Once their drinks had been poured, Dave took a sip and immediately grimaced. He tried to cover it up with a nonchalant look but it was too late, Karkat was already laughing. 

I'd rather have apple juice," he pouted and Karkat just laughed harder. 

The food was incredible. Dave was seemingly enjoying his steak very much, if him shoveling giant chunks into his mouth and moaning loudly with his mouth full was any indication. Karkat glared at him while taking dainty bites of his duck. 

“Can you act even a little bit civilized?”

“Can you care even a little bit less about what other people think?”

That got Karkat to close his mouth, putting his napkin aside and getting up for the bathroom. Maybe Dave was right. He couldn't stop thinking about what he’d said earlier, about meeting real people and making connections. After all, it's not like his soulmate was very invested in giving their relationship a chance. Although. What if he just needed a new one? As soon as the door closed behind him, Karkat pulled up a new search window. 

HOW TO GET A NEW SOULMATE ASSIGNMENT

The results were interesting. It seemed mostly simple, apparently all a mismatched pair needed to do was each provide their own statement on why they felt incompatible. However there was a disclaimer that new soulmate matches by the system were not guaranteed. 

wow leaving me so soon  
YEAH WELL. NOT LIKE YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT.   
hey now everyone wants to fall in love   
YOU DO?  
nah i think i read that in a magazine   
WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS? WOULD A LITTLE SINCERITY ACTUALLY KILL YOU.   
here try this on for size please dont ask me to unmatch with you  
WAIT, REALLY?

Karkat paused, his hand halfway toward the soap dispenser. Honestly, he was never really planning to go through with unmatching anyway. Karkat trusted the system. And of course, the inner masochist in him clearly liked being subjected to this constant stream of garbage. 

look i might be an asshole but youre just as much of an asshole as i am and us assholes gotta stick together you know like weve got to form an asshole coalition and fight for the right to shit or something   
...OKAY. HONESTLY, I CAN’T TELL IF I’M DISGUSTED, OFFENDED OR CONFUSED. PROBABLY ALL THREE.   
alright hold up let me try again   
NOT LIKE I HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE IN FILTERING OUT YOUR IDIOCY. HENCE THE UNMATCHING.  
no no wait the truth is i wanna keep talking to you so what can i do to win your favor   
OKAY. PRETENDING I BELIEVE YOU FOR A SECOND, HOW ABOUT WE START WITH SOMETHING REALLY SIMPLE. LIKE YOUR NAME.   
no  
WOW. ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS FULL OF BULLSHIT OR DID YOU JUST GET YOUR MONTHLY DELIVERY?  
i know i know that was bad timing but im clinging to my anonymity as a last minute self defense mechanism in the face of a total stranger so cmon you gotta pick me a bone here  
I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE EXPRESSION YOU WERE GOING FOR, BUT FINE. I’M NOT TELLING YOU MY NAME UNTIL YOU GO FIRST, THOUGH.  
petty but fairs fair i guess  
YOU'RE INSUFFERABLE. LUCKILY FOR YOU, I HAVE TO GO.   
dont miss me too much and remember to use protection  


It burst out of Karkat as soon as he sat back down at their table. "Why don't you believe in soulmates?"

Dave's face flattened—thin, blonde eyebrows sinking beneath his shades. 

"C'mon man, really?"

Karkat crossed his arms. 

"Uh, because there's nothing to believe in. It's all marketing, dude. Plus it doesn't even make sense. There are way too many people alive now, what if my soulmate died like, fifty years ago? Or maybe they're like fifteen or something. What then?"

"Okay, smartass, we all know there's nothing magical about the system. It isn't goddamn Santa Claus, it does the best it can with what it has, and judging by all the glowing fucking reviews, it's working perfectly for literally everyone fucking else!"

Karkat's voice had risen considerably by the end of his sentence. He looked around, embarrassed, but just Dave snorted and leaned back in his chair. "Perfectly, huh. Then why are you here?"

"Because…" Karkat huffed. Wow, would he ever be able to talk about his soulmate without completely losing his shit? "Because my soulmate is completely batshit is why! They're constantly fucking with me, and I don't think I've ever gotten a straight answer about anything since we matched!"

Dave nodded. "Sounds like my type of dude," he said and Karkat looked away, feeling an irrational flash of jealousy and maybe realizing how badly _he_ wanted to be Dave's type of dude.

"Shut up," he muttered. "What is it, do you not have one or something?"

"I got one," Dave said simply, taking a bite of steak. 

Karkat glared at him. "And?" 

Dave put his fork down. "And nothing. We're strangers and we're always gonna be strangers. Pretty sure they hate me anyway; my notifications are like, ninety percent insults at any given time."

"Yeah well," Karkat grumbled. "Sounds like _my_ type of person. Maybe we could swap."

"Nah," Dave said after a beat, and the small smile on his face spurred another pang of jealousy, this time about _Dave's_ soulmate. Also known as, the person he should leave Karkat and go be with if he would just take a second to crowbar his head out of his own ass. 

The rest of the night passed without another mention of their apparently mutually terrible soulmates, and despite his initial thoughts Karkat actually had a good time. So much so that when it was finally time to say goodbye, Karkat realized he didn't want Dave to leave. They both stood like awkward fucks just outside the doors until the valet drove up in a sleek, burnt orange mustang.

Karkat's eyes nearly popped out of his head when Dave stepped forward to accept the keys. "You made me pay for dinner and you drive _this?"_

Dave scratched the back of his neck, looking vaguely guilty. "It's not really my car. I… borrowed it from my Bro." 

Karkat crossed his arms, still unbelieving. "Right. Well the bus comes in 10 minutes, so." 

Dave gestured at the car. "Just get in man, I'll drive you home." 

He wasn't planning on telling Dave but there was no point in lying, either. "I'm not going home. I have work." Karkat wasn't sure why he was so embarrassed. Dave knew all about his job and that he worked there damn near every day. 

Dave's only response was to walk over to the passenger door and fling it open, tossing an expectant look at Karkat, who glared before shuffling into the car. 

The inside of the car was nothing like the outside—primarily because it was _filled_ with trash. Candy and junk food wrappers covered the floors while unidentifiable stains discolored the dark leather. Karkat watched interestedly as Dave tapped on the window display, switching from autonomous to manual drive. 

"It helps me focus on the road,” Dave explained, unprompted. “Too much robo nav makes Davey go night night.”

“Whatever. Just don’t kill us.” Karkat hadn’t ever seen anyone actually _drive_ a car before, and he watched Dave switch gears and ease the car into traffic with equal parts fascination and dread. 

“Plus, I kind of like the feel of it, you know?” Dave went on. "Or maybe I'm just a freak. Who knows."

Karkat snorted. "You're definitely a freak alright."

Dave laughed. "Yeah." He raised his hand, twisting his fingers in the air. Music started to play softly from the speakers, some rap Karkat didn't recognize. 

Karkat tried and failed at not staring at Dave as he mouthed along with the lyrics, paying close attention to the road. His presence was captivating in a way Karkat couldn’t articulate, like a magnetic draw that he couldn’t resist. 

When they pulled up in front of the convenience store a few minutes later, Dave shifted into park, turning to face Karkat. 

"Looks like we're here."

"No shit."

"Actually, I wouldn't mind grabbing something," said Dave, unbuckling his seatbelt and hopping out of the car to follow Karkat inside. He immediately headed for the snack aisle, while Karkat went to the back to switch out his shirt and replace whoever was on shift. 

Five minutes later and it was business as usual, Dave leaning over the counter, eating Takis, and Karkat sneering over his horrible choices. 

"Christ, Dave. Those are disgusting." 

"Speak for yourself," Dave said, mouth full. "These darlings are just as good as a steak."

Karkat scoffed, snatching a few from the bag. Like Dave, Takis were something he actually liked, despite his better judgement. "Last time I checked our dinner didn't come with a side of carcinogens." 

“Yeah well maybe that’s why it was so bland.”

Karkat worked to suppress a smile. “Liar. You liked it.”

"Fine. But I'd say they're about even." Karkat watched Dave lick the bright red dust from his fingers in horror, while he wiped off his own with one of the readily available napkins. 

"Okay," Dave finally said, crumpling up the bag and looking over his shoulder. "Guess I'll... see you around."

"Wait." Karkat took a deep breath before he could think himself out of it, grabbing Dave by the collar of his shirt and pulling him closer, until their lips were only inches apart. 

Dave huffed an awkward laugh, reaching his arm out to push his sunglasses up into his hair. Karkat swallowed when they were suddenly face to face, Dave's eyes boring into his, gleaming and red like rust. 

Karkat wasn't sure who moved first to close the distance between them but suddenly they were kissing. It wasn't mind blowing, and Karkat didn't feel himself ascending or something inside him magically locking into place or any of the other bullshit he imagined he would when he kissed his soulmate. It kind of just tasted like Takis but it was nice and comfortable, and when Dave threaded a hand through the back of Karkat's head and pulled them closer, it warmed Karkat all the way through with desire. 

And then it was over, Dave pulling away with an expression like sheepishness on his face. 

"Alright," he mumbled. "Cool. See ya."

Dave reached up and slipped his glasses back over his eyes, wearing a small smile that Karkat mirrored as he stuffed both hands in his pockets and walked out of the store.

A few hours later Karkat was in the middle of staring dreamily into space, alternating between reliving the kiss he'd shared with Dave earlier and wishing that Sollux was awake because he was dying to debrief the date, when he got a new notification. 

okay firstly i wanna apologize for making fun of your dating life because i think i believe in love again  
YEAH, WHATEVER. I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU SO DO ME A FAVOR, GRAB SOME PROTECTION AND HAVE FUN FUCKING WITH YOURSELF.  
im serious though   
FINE. I'LL BITE. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAS BROUGHT YOU AROUND TO THE WORLD OF EVERYONE NORMAL, EVER.  
i met someone chill  
OH. GREAT.  
ahaha bet youre jealous  
NO. FUCK NO, ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS IS AMAZING NEWS FOR ME. YOU HAVING SOMEONE ELSE AS THE PRIMARY RECIPIENT OF YOUR UNFETTERED IDIOCY IS NOTHING SHORT OF A GOD GIVEN MIRACLE. I CAN SEE THE LIGHT SHINING THROUGH THE CLOUDS AS WE SPEAK. HALLELUJAH.   
sure whatever you say   
I'M FUCKING NOT. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, MY WORLD IS NOT ACTUALLY CENTERED AROUND YOU, OR YOUR ROMANTIC EXPLOITS. DID YOU FORGET I WAS ON A DATE TONIGHT TOO?   
oh yeah i got kinda carried away with my thing howd it go did you score a touchgoal  
WHAT THE FUCK? SHUT UP. IT WENT WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION. I THINK I REALLY LIKE HIM.  
hot damn so i guess youll be having another date then  
I HOPE SO. IT SEEMED LIKE HE HAD A GOOD TIME. I KNOW I DID.  
hey casanova you know you can just ask  
I GUESS. BUT I'D RATHER FORMULATE MY OWN CONCLUSIONS AND THEN HAVE MY HEART RIPPED OUT IN THE FUTURE AS A DIRECT RESULT OF THOSE ACTIONS. TRUST ME, IT'S A TRIED AND TRUE METHOD.  
sounds dumb but okay

Karkat swiped away the screen, smiling like an idiot. What was even happening, was he actually bantering with his asshole of a soulmate? He couldn't help but effuse the truth about his feelings; there were butterflies rushing through his stomach at the thought of seeing Dave again and he'd been dying to talk to someone about it, even if it was just his soulmate.

Even a couple of days ago Karkat might have been actually jealous that his soulmate apparently had a new romantic interest, but now all he could think of was Dave—his small smile, his quiet chuckles, the feeling of their lips pressed together. Maybe Dave had been onto something when he'd talked about making connections with real people.

Karkat spent the rest of his shift in an unusually good mood, humming while he cleaned down the coffee bar and swept the floor, actually being personable to every customer that came into the store with a smile on his face he couldn't quite wipe away. 


End file.
